Not big changes, but noticeable changes. Like, the towel that I take to the gym: it used to just barely overlap--just enough overlap so I wouldn't be parading my rolls all over the changing room. Yesterday, I noticed that it overlapped a bit more, and all the way down, over my hips. My winter jacket had been edging toward a tad snug, over my hips again, and now there's a lot more room when I close it.
I've tried to make changes to my body before, but something just wouldn't work out, and back to the old habits I'd go, gleefully at times. Something's different this time. Aside from the odd moment few and far between, I haven't felt ashamed to be eating something. I can't say why I've been ashamed, or why I don't feel that way now, but why ask why? At this stage, I'll be glad to feel good, and feel good about feeling good.
I've spent some time thinking about why I've wanted to make these changes, and this time it's different from before (which may be why the changes are sticking a bit better). When feeling uncomfortable in my body, I've asked why, and kept asking why: I want to wear a thing, but I can't. Why do I want to wear that thing? Because this thing looks like how I feel inside (cute, flirty, silly, sexy, or what-have-you). Why can't I wear it? Because I don't feel comfortable in it. Why don't I feel comfortable. Because I don't like the way that I look. Why don't I like it? Because I don't think that I look attractive. Who don't I look attractive to? Myself. Does that mean that I'm not attractive? No. Can I change how I feel about myself? Yes, with work. Can I change how I look? Yes, with work. Can I love myself, no matter what I look like? Absolutely. Do I love myself, no matter what I look like? I try, and I think I'm getting there.
Why am I trying to change how I look? Because I want to look good.What does good look like? What metric will I use to determine good?
We shall see.
