Gender Performance II: This time we mean business

Last time, I pretty much just stuck with my past experiences, and how I came around to my understanding of gender performance—maybe not even that far. Well, let’s do that now.

(A disclaimer—I don’t have any education in this area. All of the following comes from my own experiences and reflection on those experiences. Please excuse any ignorance that may be apparent.)

What is my understanding of gender performance? To me, it’s really all about communication—when it is all boiled down, clothing really is the first and most immediate form of communication, albeit one-sided communication. I have to fess up and acknowledge that this has really come into focus thanks to television—namely the shows What Not To Wear and RuPaul’s Drag Race. For serious. With What Not to Wear, the stylists stress the importance of acknowledging that clothing is communication—how quicker to communicate what you value than through your choice in clothing? Nearly everything about a person could be known by careful examination of one’s garb—with a fair amount of assumption.

When watching Drag Race, or really, any amount of drag entertainment, I found myself really thinking about what traits of general female gender performance were chosen to perform, what traits were heighten, and why those traits were chosen above others. In all honesty, the after I watched my first season (which was the second season) of Drag Race, I had a small existential crisis—these men were better at being a woman than I was. What did that say about me? What kind of woman did I want to be? What kind of woman did I want others to see? What happens when you dress the outside to reflect what’s on the inside? Turns out, dressing the outside like the inside feels is rather freeing. I’ve written about this before, but I’ve had an uneasy relationship with my body, and really, not until I encountered this show and had a small crisis of identity, did I really come around to wanting to love my body. I’ve always known that I’ve needed to love my body, but there can be an immense chasm between knowing that one should do something and doing that thing. And, in the words of the wise RuPaul, “if you don’t love yourself, how in the hell you gonna love somebody else?”

So. Connecting these dots, knowing that gender is a performance leads to self love? Well, yes, that can be true. And knowledge is power. And in a society that is set up to systematically marginalize women who don’t make a concerted effort to fight back, I want to equip my daughter with as much power as I can.

When my Darling Monster was first learning body parts, I thought about what to teach her about her genitalia. After waffling a bit with euphemisms, we settled on the correct anatomical names. Vulva, vagina. At bath time, she washes her own vulva--Mom and Dad make sure that she is the one in control when it comes to regular maintenance. We say, often, that it’s okay to play with your vulva! When navigating this idea with my husband, I wanted desperately to get across was that my daughter, at the tender age of three, needs to know that her body is her own, because my fear is that if she doesn't have ownership of her body, someone else could.

So. Two fundamental basics: a person must take ownership of their body, if only at least to prevent others from doing so, and any body is amazing and worthy of love. A good foundation for life, let alone learning how one can express one's self.

How do I tie that in with gender performance? Gently, I believe. Here's something to start, at the very, very least:

To my Darling Monster,
It's vital to dress and behave in a way that makes you happy, and that doesn't hurt others around you. Everyone has a right to feel happy and safe, especially you. It is also important to understand what ideas one communicates thought one's clothing. People will always make decisions about how they can and can't treat you based on your appearance, and it's important to understand what your appearance says to other people. It's more important that you are happy and safe. If you choose to dress or behave in a way that will illicit a certain type of response, it's important that you are prepared for it. You can change how you look and you can change how you act, and you can even change what may or may not affect you on the surface, but you can't ever change another person. I want to protect and shelter you for your whole life, but I can't do that. I can help you to be confident in who you are and confident in the world around you, and I can hope that that is enough.
     XOXO
        Your Darling Mother


I may refine this a bit before we dive in.