issues

I totally have body issues. I'll own that completely. It seems that I always have, and sometimes it seems that I always will.

For most of my adolescent and adult life, I have been overweight, and ranging from a bit of the chub to oh lord, don't take my photo, ever. Right out of high school I was working at a very active job, and was on the poor college student diet, so bam! Lost a bunch of weight. As soon as I moved on from that, bam! It all came back. And brought friends.

So, I've been stewing with my body-shame for a while. Until rather recently. When I said 'fuck it.'

These are my issues. They belong to me, they are part of me, but they aren't all of me. So, fuck 'em. I decided that I was the only one who got to decide when I would feel shame, and I decided that I don't want to feel shame over how I am shaped.

Not that I am sitting on the couch and eating giant terrible hamburgers all day. (Though, how awesome would a giant, juicy burger with mushrooms and bacon be, right about now? Completely awesome. But all my ground beef is frozen, so it will have to wait.) I run in the mornings, and I decide if I am bored or hungry when I think I want to eat something.

I've had such a weird relationship with food (in that I love food, and it loves me, and makes sure that there is more of me to love)--food is my comfort when I'm sad or lonely or unsure; food is my punishment when I've done something wrong or embarrassing; food is my reward when it's been a tough day, or week, or hour, or minute; and food is my food--keeps me alive. I just have to break up with food. I've made this claim before, but like the Fat Girl Syndrome (when a Fat Girl dates anyone who really isn't worthy of her awesomeness, the reason not to leave them goes as follows: but I'm fat, therefore I am not worthy of someone as attractive/cool/desirable as this; where will I ever find someone who is willing to date a Fat Girl such as I?) I have a terrible time leaving food. Little by little, I've put some distance between the two of us: I don't drink sodas; I don't keep sweets in the house, and when I bake some, I share with friends and don't bake too often; and I try not to use food as a reward. That's where beer comes in. Also, SHUT UP I KNOW ABOUT THE CALORIES IN BEER, BUT LET ME HAVE MY BEER. THE WORLD WILL COLLAPSE IF I DON'T GET TO HAVE BEER IN MY LIFE.

I've also changed up my habits--at work, I use the bathroom on the floor above me, instead of the bathroom that is right outside my office, and biggest of all, I've been running in my neighborhood most weekday mornings. Which means getting up super early, and getting outside. Recently, I've changed my route--I've made it a bit longer, and when I finally am running up the last stupid hill of my stupid run that is stupid, I am usually asking myself why in the world did I think that was a good idea? Running is hard. Life is hard. Things worth doing are hard.

I've been running for about a year, but with weeks here and there where I skipped the morning run. I've been breaking up with food for about six months, or so. I detail this because I want to be clear that this isn't a 'I just started this stuff, and let me tell you about something that will just fizzle out ' thing.

I did add a new component. Nearly naked photos. No, I am not posting them here, and no, you may not see them. Not now.

What I am doing is taking a photo of myself in the bathroom mirror, neck down, in my bra and panties. I am posting them to a private blog, so that I can keep a record. Hopefully, so I can say goodbye to all that fat without Adipose. (WINK) I may decide to make that blog public, but not right now.

These are things that I just started doing, really, because I have taken ownership of my issues. Yes, I have issues, but their mine, goddammit, and I'll make them work for me.

Also, I am going to go onstage in a trash-fashion show. I don't do onstage stuff. That's right, body issues, you can take your fucking shame and shove it up your ass. Cuz you bitches are working for me, now.

Fuck yeah.