not-so-quick of a post

It's after 11 and I want to go to bed, but here I am keeping a promise (of sorts) to myself.

I was on my way to the library, after picking up my darling little monster from daycare, after I had put in a full day of work. We were in the car stopped at a red light, and I noticed a younger woman, probably my youngest sister's age, walking toward the crosswalk. There were a couple of men, one about her age, and one much closer to twice her age walking behind her, and my radar went off. I hadn't been noticing the world outside of my itinerary much, but I saw her, saw the men, and in an instant I was intently watching. I was watching her, to make sure that she wasn't acting like she felt she was in any danger, and I was watching the men, watching their postures, how they looked at their surroundings.

Why?

Usually, whenever I see a woman who is in my age group, I am instantly comparing myself to her. Is she taller, shorter, thinner, fatter, prettier, uglier than me? Do I defer because I think I am less than her by comparison? Do I puff up, act bigger and badder? Is this woman an ally or an enemy, because she is taller/shorter/thinner/fatter/prettier/uglier than me? All of these questions are asked and answered in an instant. I can't help it; that's what happens. I try to help it, I try to pretend to not care, and hope that will lead to a 'fake it 'til you make it' sort of outcome, but that is rarely successful. But, when I see a woman in a potentially dangerous situation, that turns off. My radar goes off. I watch her, watch her body language, watch the men, look at their expressions. Are their eyes angry? Are their fists balled up? My hand usually reaches for my phone, in case I need to make a call to 911.

The first time I really remember doing this, dropping all concerns about the superficial and instead being concerned about the person herself was the summer between junior and senior year of high school. I was seventeen and on a trip to France with my French class. Two of my very good friends went on that trip, so I'll have to ask if they remember this incident. We were on a city bus, late, in on larger city. It might have been Paris, but I don't remember. There were only a couple of other people on the bus, a young woman who was a few years older than me and my friends, and a young man. I remember he had on a giant puffy jacket and a baseball cap. He was talking to the woman, and my French wasn't good enough to keep up with what they were saying, but to me, it was clear that they weren't besties, and that she wasn't very amused with what he had to say. I think I mentioned something to my travel companions, but if I did, they weren't too concerned. At the next stop, she was off the bus in a heartbeat, and he got off after. I remember watching through the tinted bus windows that made the streetlamps an even darker amber. I had lost sight of her, but I had watched the young man turn a corner, and the bus was on its way, and we went back to the hostel.

Every now and then I find myself thinking about that night. I'll never know what happened, or what their actual relationship was. I don't know if I was imagining some sort of potential threat, just for the universal human thrill of being able to say 'I know that something was up, I knew before everyone else.'

Today, the woman crossed the street, head high, and with a little smile and wave to me. The men went on their different ways. Truth be told, I was thinking about what to write tonight when I pulled up to that intersection. And there it was.

Having thought about this all afternoon and evening, these are my thoughts: It's saddening that I instantly compare myself to someone that I've never met, and some sort of self worth is measured by that comparison. That part is getting better and better as I get older, and frankly, care less. It is also a slight comfort to think that there might be others, women and men, like me, who watch out for each other when we think that there is a potentially dangerous situation. I do take off the rose-colored glasses and hope that I'll never have to rely on a stranger being concerned for my or a loved one's well-being, but I would like to think that there are others out there, their hands on their phones, watching their surroundings.

Hm. That's a darker note.

Cupcakes, ponies, sunshine, rainbows and smiles.
That helps a bit.

a bientôt, mes petits choux